Day 91 : Supression of depression

 After I walked my lesson on Self-Honesty in my SRA, I realize how often I was actually lying to myself and how quickly I was suppressing a point that was emerging within myself. 

The interesting thing is that it's not a new phenomena, it's something that I always done, but without that understanding, I wasn't fully aware that I was suppressing those points. 

One point that come up this week was the feeling of depression. For the first time in my life, I was able to see that this wasn't just a point coming up, this was an under-lying point that was virtually constantly present throughout my life. 

I realize that the way I coped with that point was by constantly distracting myself from it. In the past when I was still drinking, I was using alcohol as a suppressor to get a relief from this feeling. I also distracted myself by keeping myself busy by working or simply trying to distract myself by thinking about something else. 

One other subtle way to refuse to acknowledge it, by participating into backchat like " I have no reason to be depress, I have an amazing life, I am so lucky, There's people that live horrible life that do have a pretty good reason to be depress'' etc. 

So for the first time of my life, I stopped and look at that feeling that was happening within me. I take a look at the ''Self forgiveness on the experience of depression on EQAFE'' which allowed me to put the words of what I was participating in within that points. 

I also get external support to get additional perspective on that point so I could get more clarity and cross reference my own conclusion. 

One thing that was I realize was the feeling of depression itself wasn't a big deal. What was a big deal was me starting to judge myself or me trying to suppress the point instead of acknowledging it, investigating it, write on it, breath through it. 

That has made a huge difference that really allowed me to start to face that point that exist within myself since a very long time. It's gonna be a process to fully process this point, but now that I have bring some self-honesty within that point, I can start to peel the layer of that ''onions'' 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the feeling of depression when it was coming up 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from depression 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to feel that inner suffering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the feeling of depression


When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and breath 

When and as I see myself feeling Sad, I stop and breath 

When and as I see myself feeling lonely, I stop and breath 

When and as I see myself Judging myself for feeling depress, I stop and breath

When and as I see myself fearing being judge by others for feeling depress I stop and breath

I commit myself to remain self-honest when that feeling of depression is coming up within me

I commit myself to breath instead of suppressing the feeling of depression

I commit myself to take steps in the physical to bring myself back here

I commit myself to when and as I feel depress to not go into victimization and take practical action to get out of my depression.